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PTSD Dream - but make it also funny

 I haven't really dreamt much since it happened. Some of that is because I haven't slept enough at a time to really reach dream state, but maybe my brain is just protecting me. The night before last I had a migraine and my tooth was hurting me. I fell asleep and slept hard, but when I woke up just before my alarm, I was nauseous in a cold sweat. The headache was gone but sometimes in the wake of migraines I have a migraine hangover. I feel spacey, sweaty, and a general sense of uneasiness and dread in the pit of my stomach.  This, however, was probably more due to the nightmare that plagued my sleep. I dreamed I went to the dentist where they did xyays. And on the xrays they found bugs in my teeth. If that weren't bad enough, the types of bugs they said they were, was an indication that I had a fatal condition and would die soon. I didn't tell anyone. And instead I set up an appointment to come back to the dentist for them to euthanize me. I drove there in the rain, alo...
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The random triggers

Moments that trigger the grief and panic, and how unpredictable they can be. We drove into Delphos from the south so we went past k&m Tire. Where my dad's brother works. And our neighbor is one of his best friends and called him repeatedly on our way to the hospital while he drove us, and eventually had to call the company itself to get a message to my uncle that there was an emergency and that he needed to come to the hospital. Brad met us there a little after we arrived and I'll never forget the look on his face. They weren't super close, but they were brothers. The only two boys in the family. And in an instant you have no brother anymore. Just like I have no sister anymore.
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Trauma, Panic, Anxiety, and Stress

Death is stressful. It's sad. We grieve. But we stress too. Losing a loved one makes us anxious. It makes us think about what ifs. It makes us panic about things happening to other family members, to use, to our homes, to our lives. And, sometimes, death can be traumatic. My dad's death was traumatic. There is trauma involved in seeing your loved one's broken body in a hospital bed. In seeing blood stains on concrete. In listening to your mother scream and scream and scream. In drawing over photos of the house where your dad fell and how he was found, and sending them to a coroner's office for the autopsy.  And then there is the response after all of it. Often involuntary. Yesterday my husband's mom had what we believe is a "mini stroke". She was watching TV and her cheek went numb. Her face drooped. She lost control of her arm. Her speech slurred. She called my husband who tore off and drove her to the ER. When he called me to tell me what was going on, h...
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It feels surreal

 It feels surreal tonight. I saw him last two weeks ago today. He carried Caroline out like he always did. Buckled her in. Sometimes when we left he would say "love you" or "be good" or "be careful". Often if the kids were being wild he would say "good luck with that!" And duck his head laughing, say bye and go back into the house. I'm pretty sure that Wednesday was a "good luck with that" day.  After that, one laughing reaction on Instagram to a Reel about putting sugar on cereal, a staple in our house as kids.  And then...he's gone. And it doesn't feel real. I can do all the different tasks and jobs and errands that you do after someone dies. And be fine. But while thinking about Caroline, and school, and pickups. He only picked her up once from school. I'll probably remove him from the list sooner than later, just for security reasons. You never know. But that is what broke me tonight. I remember removing Jenny from A...
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"Normal" week in the aftermath

 To go back to our regular lives is so strange. I don't like it. I feel like I'm walking in mud. Or like I am operating while on half a dose of Benadryl. I don't quite know how to do the things that all came easily to me two weeks ago. I was already prone to overstimulation and now it's unbearable. I have to work, answer phones, make appointments, talk to people...as if things are normal. And they're not normal. None of this is normal. This week I made calls to make sure my mom doesn't have to go through probate to put the cars in her name. Blessedly, she doesn't need to go through the court and can just do it as a "surviving spouse" transfer. It's a surreal call to be making when your mom isn't even 59 yet.  The kids have school. We test drove a car (because right before all this happened, my husband's car was totaled). I'm trying to pick up the pieces of my life that existed two weeks ago and find my way with them again. I know ev...
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Jenny's Ashes - full circle moment

Jennifer now rests eternally with Dad. Returning the necklaces with her ashes back to the rest of her ashes in Dad's casket is one of those really weird, beautiful, and terrible full circle moments. He put the ashes in the necklaces for us. It was not an easy task. When Shanda at the funeral home said that he could have asked for their help, as they have tools to make it easier, I told her while that was true, I know he did it as an act of love. He chose a day where it was just him at home to do it. And Mom and I then got our necklaces for Christmas. So yesterday at the funeral home, I took the pendant off my necklace and put it with Mom's, and placed them on Dad's chest. It was very difficult, but it was the plan all along.  And the sisters sitting on the moon necklace that Jenny gave me her last Christmas with us, isn't lonely on the chain. I added my Daddy necklace charm to it. We got those the Christmas after her initial diagnosis. And I never really wore it, but it...
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His obituary

Oh Dad. I don't know if I'll ever understand this. And maybe I'm not meant to understand it. I hope the obituary I wrote for you is up to your standards. I know you like a properly written obituary with names, places, and dates. Your binders of obituaries were always an interesting read.  Dad... to you love was an action and you never stopped moving. The giant gaping hole in our hearts and lives is a wound that I don't know will heal. I love you.  Randall “Randy” Joseph Honigford OTTOVILLE - Randall "Randy" Joseph Honigford, age 60, went home to the Lord, unexpectedly on February 26th, 2026, at Mercy Health - Putnam County Emergency Services in Glandorf. He was born on January 29, 1966 in Lima, to the late Gerald and Carol (Spieles) Honigford. On December 6, 1985, he married his high school sweetheart and love of his life, Joyce (Fischer) Honigford in Kalida and she survives him in Ottoville. They celebrated 40 years of marriage in December. Randy graduated fr...
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