It feels surreal

 It feels surreal tonight. I saw him last two weeks ago today. He carried Caroline out like he always did. Buckled her in. Sometimes when we left he would say "love you" or "be good" or "be careful". Often if the kids were being wild he would say "good luck with that!" And duck his head laughing, say bye and go back into the house. I'm pretty sure that Wednesday was a "good luck with that" day. 

After that, one laughing reaction on Instagram to a Reel about putting sugar on cereal, a staple in our house as kids. 

And then...he's gone.

And it doesn't feel real. I can do all the different tasks and jobs and errands that you do after someone dies. And be fine.

But while thinking about Caroline, and school, and pickups. He only picked her up once from school. I'll probably remove him from the list sooner than later, just for security reasons. You never know. But that is what broke me tonight. I remember removing Jenny from Andrew's preschool pickup list four years ago and how hard that was to do. 

In the beginning I could kind of trick myself into thinking he was just at work. Swing shift, 12 hour days...there were many times I didn't see him if we were over there. But now that we are at 2 weeks, that really isn't possible to think anymore. Because generally we didn't go that long without a visit. Phone call. Video call. Text. And that reality doesn't feel real.